Here Я̩̥ some rib-cracking Naija jokes…hope y’all love em
A Lagosian pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed. The angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said “this is your mansion”. He showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said “this is your dwelling place!”
The pastor was confused. “I don’t understand”, he said. “Why should my driver get a golden duplex while all I get this wooden shed for eternity. I have been a faithful preacher for several years.”
The angel replied, “when you preached, people slept. But whenever your driver drove, people cried to God!”
Clarus went to Mama Put’s shop and ordered 3 bottles of Ogogoro. He drank them one after the other. Day after day, he repeated the ritual. He would order three bottles of the strong drink, and empty them one after the other.
One day Mama Put became curious and asked him why he did that. “You see, I have two brothers. One is now in Australia and the other is in England. We made a pact that we will remember one another when we drink.”
Sometime later, he came into the bar and ordered only two bottles of Ogogoro. Mama Put felt that something was wrong. “I am sorry to see that you have lost one of your brothers.”.
“No,” he said, “I still have two brothers.”
“Then why do you order only two bottles?”
“You see,” Clarus explained, “recently my wife took me to a crusade. To the glory of God, I have decided to stop drinking.”
.A man was driving his taxi from Port harcourt to lagos. He had a sticker in the car that said ”He will give his angels charge over me”
By the time time he got to warri, he was doing 135km/h. The passengers cautioned him, but he simply responded by saying…”don’t you see the sign?, the angels are on guard”. He approached Benin on a speed of 185km/h. By this time the passengers got very nervous and decided to get down. Everybody except the driver disembarked and he decided to continue the journey to lagos alone. ”Mumu faithless people…they don’t believe that angels are on guard, despite my sticker”…he said, as he drove on.
Nearing Ore, he was comfortably cruising at 215km/h…when he heard people in his car shoulting….”abeg oga drop us o..we no dey go again”…puzzled, he looked around…”sebi I dropped all my passengers in Benin..so na who dey talk?”
”Oga, drop us o..na we be the angels wey dey on guard…this one don become suicide mission we no dey guard again ooo!!!”
Needless to say, our man drove into lagos with a reasonable speed of 35km/hr.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides
he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to Germany hell & asks, “what do they do here?” He is told “first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”.
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in … Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”
He is told “first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many
people waiting to get in?” asks the man.
“Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business
In a small southern town, Billy Joe shows up at the doctor’s office at 2:00 p.m. one Sunday afternoon with several bruises on his face.
The doctor says, “Another barroom brawl, eh Billy Joe?”
“No!” answers Billy Joe. “This happened in church!”
“In church? What happened?” asks the doctor.
Billy Joe says, “Well, I went to church and sat in the pew. Then a real big fat woman sits in the pew in front of me. We get up to sing, and I see that her dress is stuck up the crack of her butt, so I pulled it out for her. Then she whopped me with her purse.”
The doctor treats his wounds and warns him not to do that again.
A week later, on Sunday afternoon, Billy Joe is back at the doctor’s office, bruised worse than before. The doctor said, “Now this must have come from your friends at the bar, right Billy Joe?”
Billy Joe looks sadly into the doctor’s eyes and cries, “No! No! This happened in church again!” Extremely puzzled, the doctor asks for the explanation.
Billy Joe says, “I went to church and sat in the pew. My friend John Boy comes in and sits down next to me. Then comes this same big fat woman again, and she sits in the pew in front of us. We get up to sing, and her dress is stuck up the back of her butt again.”
The doctor says, “Oh no, Billy. You didn’t pull it out again! Didn’t you learn your lesson last week?”
“No, no, Doc, I didn’t pull it out,” replies Billy Joe. “John Bob did. And knowing how much she doesn’t like that, I tried to push it back in for her!”
Princess was in a restaurant yesterday when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart(Mess). The music was really, rea…lly loud, so she timed her gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she felt better. She finished her lunch & noticed that everybody was staring at her…. Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her i-Pod
Odu Oluwafemi Daniel